“Marriage isn’t for punks.”

…because love cannot always fly without resting,
our lives return to the wall, to the rocks of the sea:
our kisses head back home where they belong.
—Pablo Neruda


The other day, with little prompting, my husband went off on a random tangent about love and marriage as he stood in the kitchen washing the dishes. I remember this conversation came right off the heels of us discussing our surprise to hear about another celebrity marriage ending in divorce. Luckily, we don’t take many of our cues from celebrities, but in honesty, they are people too, just like many of us, negotiating love and commitment. Celebrity or no fame at all, it’s tough to see any relatively long-term relationship end abruptly or fray slowly – especially one that involves children, pets, extended families. But the truth is most relationships have another side; most have many sides, many colors, and many days of bright and gray. I suppose it’s what couples do with those gray days that make all the difference.

I can’t say for sure that the demise of yet another celebrity marriage inspired this wind gust of guy wisdom on my husband’s part, but the more he talked, the more passionate and excited he became, and the more honest sense he made. There are no rules about these matters of the heart, but my husband seemed to have his ideas about this subject all sorted out. That’s my kind of guy – one who can talk love and commitment while doing the dishes – an impressive show of thoughtfulness and multitasking. It looked good on him. I was curious about all he had to say on this subject so while he spoke, I didn’t say a word (which is hard for me). I just sat back and listened, oh, and took a few notes. It went something like this…

“Marriage isn’t for punks,” he started off (as I perked up to hear what was coming next). “Marriage will stress you. It will push you to the limits of places you can’t imagine you will go. It’s not always bliss all the time (you telling me I thought). You have to work on getting back to the bliss when you run into the hard times. You have to find that safe and middle ground and build on that. You can’t be 100% all the time. (I should add – you also can’t be 100% right all the time either – but I digress.) You also can’t be madly in love all the time because the minute life gets hard and tests the love, you think as a couple if you’re not feeling and acting madly in love, something must be wrong. For some couples it’s just too much trouble to go through the hard stuff. And for other couples, the hard stuff is all they go through, therefore the relationship must be over. It’s not over. Getting through the hard parts of life is what tests a couple’s love and commitment to each other.

You can’t go through years of marriage without running into some tough times. Some people would just rather give up instead of going through the rough stuff. Giving up just seems easier. I think a lot of couples can find their way back to what brought them together in the first place, but you can’t get back to the good without first going through some of the bad. It’s balance. When love gets too complicated, people want to leave the relationship. Life isn’t easy; and love isn’t either. But when the hard times come, couples have to be strong together.”—Alfonso

As a final note, there are many exceptions and we have to allow room for our lives to look very different from the inside out, and very different from anyone else’s life. There is no image that can narrate the full of us. Self-love, sane love, and safe love are critical.

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Categories: Misc.

2 Comments on ““Marriage isn’t for punks.””

  1. David Eric Cummins
    January 31, 2012 at 7:48 am #

    This is something every couple should read! You’re lucky to have such a wise man.

    • January 31, 2012 at 8:44 am #

      Thanks David, I’ll make sure to pass your sentiments along to him. I admit, I am a lucky girl to have such a wise man, and I’d like to think my husband knows he’s also lucky to have a lady who listens to that wisdom. :) Thanks for visiting and sharing. Hope to see you back soon!

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