life and write

…because love cannot always fly without resting,
our lives return to the wall, to the rocks of the sea:
our kisses head back home where they belong.—Pablo Neruda

The other day, with little prompting, my husband went off on a random tangent about love and marriage as he stood in the kitchen washing the dishes. I remember this conversation came right off the heels of us discussing our surprise to hear about the Heidi Klum and Seal break-up. Luckily, we don’t take our cues from celebrities, but those two (with their incessant PDA) just seemed so happy right? Celebrity or no fame at all, it’s tough to see any relatively long-term relationship end abruptly–especially one that involves children. But the truth is most relationships have another side; most have many sides, many colors, and many days of bright and gray. I suppose it’s what couples do with those gray days that make all the difference.

I can’t say for sure that the demise of yet another celebrity marriage inspired this wind gust of guy wisdom on my husband’s part, but the more he talked, the more passionate and excited he became, and the more honest sense he made. There are no rules about these matters of the heart, but my husband seemed to have his ideas about this subject all sorted out. That’s my kind of guy–one who can talk love and commitment while doing the dishes–an impressive show of thoughtfulness and multitasking. I was sold; it looked good on him. I was curious about all he had to say on this subject so while he spoke, I didn’t say a word. I just sat back and listened (oh and took a few notes). It went something like this…

“Marriage isn’t for punks,” he started off (as I perked up to hear what was coming next). “Marriage will stress you. It will push you. It’s not always bliss all the time (you telling me I thought). You have to work on getting back to the bliss when you run into the hard times. You have to find that middle ground and build on that. You can’t be 100% all the time. You can’t be madly in love all the time because the minute life gets hard and tests the love, you think as a couple if you’re not feeling (and acting) madly in love, something must be wrong. For so many couples it’s too much trouble to go through the hard times. Some couples think the moment they fall out of bliss, the relationship must be over. It’s not over. Getting through the hard parts of life is what tests a couple’s love and commitment to each other.

You can’t go through years of marriage without running into some tough times. Some people would just rather give up instead of going through the rough stuff. Giving up just seems easier. I think a lot of couples can find their way back to what brought them together in the first place, but you can’t get back to the good without first going through some of the bad. It’s balance. When love gets too complicated, people want to leave the relationship. Life isn’t easy; and love isn’t either. But when the hard times come, couples have to be strong together.”—Alfonso

Two…together…committed to all that is and all that is yet to come.

My husband is a really cool dude, but I just don’t understand his interest in spy tactics, war games, and strategic weaponry (yawn). He’s always trying to get me to sit and watch shows like Ultimate Weapons on The Discovery Channel with him. I’m sorry, but that just sounds so boring (and violent). Maybe it’s a guy thing. Or maybe it’s a military thing. I don’t know, but it’s surely not my thing. He seems to think I’m missing out on brilliant bits of obscure knowledge and random facts. I’m sorry but I just can’t get excited about US fighter crafts and German sniper weapons.

I don’t know why my husband is up, he is usually sleep at this time and I have the morning to myself. But no—he’s hyped up and talking so passionately right now about sports. First he reminded me that Ohio State was playing today and that he thinks their headed for the” Final Four”. Duh!!! (Go Bucks!) Then he randomly slipped into his frustration in the Knicks (the Knicks?), and his thoughts on what’s happening with the NFL (contract disputes). He also had a few brief comments on college recruiting. He jumped around from sport to sport, subject to subject in a matter of minutes. He’s good but it’s early…   

He finally settles into his thoughts on ESPN’s 1^st and 10, where Chris Broussard passionately commented on the Jalen Rose and Grant Hill controversy stemming from comments Jalen Rose said during the filming of the documentary “The Fab Five”. My husband is my inside scoop on sports (I think he was a sportscaster in a former life) so when he speaks, I listen (most of the time).

When in doubt, defer to the elders. Old schoolers know stuff we don’t know.