I wrote this 12 months ago…
Here I am hammering away at my degree. I’m about halfway through my program and up until this point I felt that I had it all figured out. I was in control. I knew where I was going and what I needed to do.
But that was all a lie I think I told myself to get by, cope with the pressure. I realized my graduate program really wasn’t that simple. Not only was I researching and thinking very intently about my work but my life twisted and turned in directions I could not see coming.
On a personal front, the custody case was emotionally draining, keeping me reliving the demise of a failed relationship (and the pain that caused my son), while I was steadfast in the throes of a new relationship (a new stability and a fresh start). I tried to stay focused on my son and love him fully through all this change. Oh and to make life matters more completely complicated, at 35 I was pregnant.
I remember thinking how my priorities shifted in so many different directions and I struggled to focus on my studies, and my life. I remember contemplating my ability to get through graduate school. I remember feeling guilty… pulling and pushing myself in so many different directions with no guarantee in either direction and no real conclusion in sight.
During my last trimester, I worked on creative writings and academic writings but I just couldn’t focus. I was hanging on by a thin line of ink, journals full of notes and ideas, books for my research. The attorney fees were mounting up into the thousands, the custody case was on its way to trial, and the new baby was coming…